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Introversion Extroversion Overature
The thing that's been on my mind lately is introversion versus extroversion. Extroverts get their energy from being around other people. They're energized by social interaction and suffer when they spend too much time alone. Introverts, by contrast, get their energy from solitude. They need time alone in order to function and find social interaction draining.
It's a neat little polar axis the world can divide itself along, with the Myers-Briggs people claiming the split is 25% I vs 75% E. Except when it comes to artists and writers and musicians and the other sorts of creative people I tend to hang around with, in which case the balance skews wildly the other way.
Recently, on Tumblr, here, and in other media both social and traditional, I've been seeing a lot of "in praise of introverts" sorts of posts, including this article explaining why extroverts are overrated and this one, covering ten myths about introverts. And there was this one, which recommended the care and feeding of introverts and concluded that the best thing to do was to leave them alone.
One thing that seems to be common to these and similar articles is a defensive attitude, a kind of seething resentment that colors the writing and underlies each point, combined with an attitude of superiority that's downright intimidating. "Screw you extrovert. You're not as clever, delicate, sensitive, or special as we gifted introverts. Give us our space and quit asking things of us. Go hang out with your loud-mouthed, average, extrovert friends and leave us alone!"
Ooohkay.
I get the defensiveness, because there are a lot of introvert-type traits that get a fair amount of social denigration. I'm sure those introvert authors have been told one-too-many times that they need to come out of their shells and engage when all they want to do is go curl up with a good book, and so they're preemptively snarly when they set out to explain why they don't need to conform to an extroverted world's rules.
But I'm still stung by it.
I'm not an introvert. I'm not an extrovert, either. In fact, when I take the Myers-Briggs test, and I've taken it several times, I come out almost exactly in the middle, equally introverted and extroverted. So on the one hand, I totally get the need for down time and solitude. I have that need. And I get being nerdy, and being gifted, and being different from the mainstream, because gods know I'm all of those things. But I also get needing social interaction, getting energy from it, and finding time with friends invigorating, not draining.
When you compare me to my most introverted friends, I'm a social butterfly with endless energy for going out, staying up, carrying on conversations, and spending time with others. And when you compare me to my most extroverted friends, I'm a recluse. I avoid the phone and don't return calls, I have to be approached and coaxed to go out, and I don't initiate plans all that often.
But the majority of my friends, as I said, fall into the introverted camp, and I'm getting a serious inferiority complex about it. I keep reading these "up with introverts, down with extroverts" articles and cartoons and posts, and I'm starting to feel like the extroverted aspects in myself are flaws. For example, I'm good at small talk and meeting new people, and the fact that I worked hard for those skills, and am worn out after using them for any extended period of time doesn't make any difference. I'm one of the "them", not one of the "us".
I know that a factor here is my disability. I'm not working, and in fact spend a lot of time at home alone, so my inner introvert's need for solitude is amply met most days. By the end of the day, when my introvert friends are coming home from work and getting online, they've had just about enough of social interaction from school or work, whereas I'm sated with solitude. The problem is, that makes me an energy drainer, and I know from all those care-and-feeding articles that I really need to just leave the introverts alone.
So I do.
And I've been doing it now for so long I think some of those friendships might be about dead on the vine. I'm scared to make first contact if I see them online for fear of coming across as too energy-draining, so I wait to be approached. But of course they don't approach because they are introverts, and I know all about the introverted way of waiting for others to approach, because I have that same trait, and I'm just magnifying it.
I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to say, "Hey, introvert friends, if you want to talk to me, let me know. I'm leaving you alone to respect your boundaries but I miss you," without sounding hopelessly needy, and without putting the burden of friendship on them.
And I don't know how to feel better about myself and my oddly even split of extroversion and introversion. So I throw it open to you, if anyone is still reading this: what would you advise?
It's a neat little polar axis the world can divide itself along, with the Myers-Briggs people claiming the split is 25% I vs 75% E. Except when it comes to artists and writers and musicians and the other sorts of creative people I tend to hang around with, in which case the balance skews wildly the other way.
Recently, on Tumblr, here, and in other media both social and traditional, I've been seeing a lot of "in praise of introverts" sorts of posts, including this article explaining why extroverts are overrated and this one, covering ten myths about introverts. And there was this one, which recommended the care and feeding of introverts and concluded that the best thing to do was to leave them alone.
One thing that seems to be common to these and similar articles is a defensive attitude, a kind of seething resentment that colors the writing and underlies each point, combined with an attitude of superiority that's downright intimidating. "Screw you extrovert. You're not as clever, delicate, sensitive, or special as we gifted introverts. Give us our space and quit asking things of us. Go hang out with your loud-mouthed, average, extrovert friends and leave us alone!"
Ooohkay.
I get the defensiveness, because there are a lot of introvert-type traits that get a fair amount of social denigration. I'm sure those introvert authors have been told one-too-many times that they need to come out of their shells and engage when all they want to do is go curl up with a good book, and so they're preemptively snarly when they set out to explain why they don't need to conform to an extroverted world's rules.
But I'm still stung by it.
I'm not an introvert. I'm not an extrovert, either. In fact, when I take the Myers-Briggs test, and I've taken it several times, I come out almost exactly in the middle, equally introverted and extroverted. So on the one hand, I totally get the need for down time and solitude. I have that need. And I get being nerdy, and being gifted, and being different from the mainstream, because gods know I'm all of those things. But I also get needing social interaction, getting energy from it, and finding time with friends invigorating, not draining.
When you compare me to my most introverted friends, I'm a social butterfly with endless energy for going out, staying up, carrying on conversations, and spending time with others. And when you compare me to my most extroverted friends, I'm a recluse. I avoid the phone and don't return calls, I have to be approached and coaxed to go out, and I don't initiate plans all that often.
But the majority of my friends, as I said, fall into the introverted camp, and I'm getting a serious inferiority complex about it. I keep reading these "up with introverts, down with extroverts" articles and cartoons and posts, and I'm starting to feel like the extroverted aspects in myself are flaws. For example, I'm good at small talk and meeting new people, and the fact that I worked hard for those skills, and am worn out after using them for any extended period of time doesn't make any difference. I'm one of the "them", not one of the "us".
I know that a factor here is my disability. I'm not working, and in fact spend a lot of time at home alone, so my inner introvert's need for solitude is amply met most days. By the end of the day, when my introvert friends are coming home from work and getting online, they've had just about enough of social interaction from school or work, whereas I'm sated with solitude. The problem is, that makes me an energy drainer, and I know from all those care-and-feeding articles that I really need to just leave the introverts alone.
So I do.
And I've been doing it now for so long I think some of those friendships might be about dead on the vine. I'm scared to make first contact if I see them online for fear of coming across as too energy-draining, so I wait to be approached. But of course they don't approach because they are introverts, and I know all about the introverted way of waiting for others to approach, because I have that same trait, and I'm just magnifying it.
I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to say, "Hey, introvert friends, if you want to talk to me, let me know. I'm leaving you alone to respect your boundaries but I miss you," without sounding hopelessly needy, and without putting the burden of friendship on them.
And I don't know how to feel better about myself and my oddly even split of extroversion and introversion. So I throw it open to you, if anyone is still reading this: what would you advise?
no subject
As for what to do with your introvert friends: it kind of depends on the friend. It also depends heavily on what's going on in their life, which isn't something you can know about! In my experience, the best emails I've gotten have been these:
"Hey, J! I'm guessing you're busy lately, but I just wanted to wing you an email and say I'm thinking of you. Love you!
-D"
These emails remind me that people are living without making any demands of me. (Note: there's nothing I have to answer in that email. Sometimes an email will go like this: "I haven't heard from you in a while, and just wanted to make sure you're still among the living!" But it's a quickie response on my end.) If I'm busy or keeping my head down, I can read it, feel warm fuzzies, and move on. If I'm busy but I'd like to see people, I can respond. It also reminds me people are out there, and they care about me, too, and I can even email back but not have to get together with anybody.
Ironically, the backlash I hit is that most of my friends (mostly extroverts) are really good about giving me my space... which, after months of being the one predominantly reaching out starts to make me feel like they don't care about seeing me. I suspect these articles are doing TOO good a job!
Anyway, hopefully that'll help. *hugs*
J
no subject
Well for a lot of introvert-sites/articles, like JB has mentioned it's not surprising that they are very defensive and lash out. As an introvert I get my friends going 'oh i'm an introvert too~' and then turning around to tell me that I should go out more, it's not THAT hard, why do I find it so tiring to go out more than x-times a week? For quite a number of them, they want to claim the 'good' parts of being an introvert (the introspection, the fact that introverts are percieved as more intellectual) but don't really understand that there is a need for introverts to gain their energy from NOT going out constantly.
It's not really a surprise that the introvert articles have to tell us that YES it is okay to be an introvert, and YES extroverts can have introvert traits but it doesn't mean they are introverts.
People aren't really a binary - no real line between extrovert and introvert, so of course there are people inbetween. It's really the people who claim that they are introverts an completely disparage the requirements of introverts who get my goat.
So... for talking to friends. Like JB mentioned, just a note of 'hey just wondering if you're alive!' or 'Am thinking about you recently!' makes for a happy, in general, without the need for a long detailed reply.